Spinning his way right round, baby, right round is the Uni-Go-Round. He used to be on top of the world, dancing the whirling dervish and playing spin-the-bottle late into the night. Unfortunately, this self-proclaimed revolutionary made the unfortunate choice of siding with HD-DVDs in the Great Format War. He now passes his days as a carousel ride, amassing an impressive collection of drool, graffiti, and trauma guaranteed to make his therapist’s head spin.

The Soupicorn isn’t your typical tiny food thief-- they use their pho-nomenal magical hair to camouflage themselves in your bowl. After some time stewing, they’ll slurp up your noodles lickety split (pea) and don’t broth-er to leave you any. You can curry favor by leaving an offering, but it’s ill-advised to try to catch one as their strength is souped up and they’ll shoyu what they’re made of!

Psst. You look like a discerning feller of the most spifflicated character. Well get on the trolley, because I heard about a sockdollager guaranteed to light your fire. Y’see, the Speakeasicorn is quite the hotsy-trotsy, flouting all the rules and throwing the wildest parties, despite those salacious rumors of a high-society upbringing. She really knows her onions, so don’t take any wooden nickels and she might even show a horse to some giggle water.

Is it an easy Friday-night dinner? Is it a reward for a class' perfect attendance record? Is it a serving of vegetables? According to some, the Pizzacorn is all of that and more. Despite its gooey and delicious nature, this carb-y critter remains the subject of fierce debates. While pepperoni and mushrooms are usually non-controversial, pineapple and anchovies have started actual wars. Whatever your tastes, the Pizzacorn is one of the most versatile, beloved, and fastest (20 minutes or its free!!!) horses to ever be stuffed inside of a square cardboard box.

Launching this 2019 installment of the Who’s Who-nicorn is none other than the spic n’ span Sudsicorn, and he ain’t rubber duckin’ around. This squeaky clean specimen’s green and white stripes boast TWO types of deodorant, and he is rumored to smell like manliness. Or a waterfall. Or… Irish? The ad was never really clear. You better watch your language around this foamy foal, or he’ll wash your mouth out! (Disclaimer: do not lick Sudsicorn; he may cause you to go blind.)

Look down there! It's a bug! It's a very tiny piece of lint! It's... microscopic. You can't see that, stop lying. Through the Microcorn is the smallest by weight, it is by far the hardiest. Able to live in extreme environments from tundras to volcanoes, it is nigh indestructible. It's one weakness, ironically, is small talk. You will not find these tiny tappers waiting out the clock by the water cooler. And no, Karen, it will definitely not be attending your candle party, no matter how much chardonnay you promised.

Here we have your standard model Unicorn. No frills, no upgrades, basic horn package (moderately pointy), and only produces glitter on weekends. She comes with four (4) hooves, an exhaust vent, and undercoating (while supplies last). This model, inexplicably, is equipped with a 2 horsepower engine.

Prismacorn believes every hue of conspiracy theory. Once convinced that rain is actually the sky whizzing on the ground, she made it her personal mission to appear after storms to signal an end to the soiling. She is, unfortunately, very gullible. Her agent plastered her likeness on everything from nightlights to beach towels, and poor Prismacorn doesn't receive any royalties. It's probably for the best, as she'd spend her money on made up things, like Bitcoin.

Did you do that? It wasn’t me, I’d go outside or at least blame it on the dog! I think someone’s eating egg salad. No, you’re just smelling the pungent Mephiticorn. This olfactory equine typically wafts about swamps, low tide marks, and Port-a-Dooties. It is colloquially known as a “Shartland Pony.”

The Infernicorn's fiery passion is so intense, she burns with an inner flame. And an outer flame. The whole lot is on fire, actually. The energy she expends could power a small city, though that same small city would likely have trouble fueling the 100% refined-sugar diet that sustains her. Normally found in hot & dry areas, she must be kept away from the gassy Mephiticorn at all costs.

Is that spring in the air? Or is it... yep, it's just the Bloomicorn! Smelling fresher than your tree-shaped air freshener from 2003, this magical creature spreads flora and fun wherever she frolics. She's easiest to spot while holding perfectly still for diligent honey bees. Seriously, she's allergic. Does anyone have an epi-pen?

The Bufficorn is a real stallion at the gym, a workhorse that'll plow through the most difficult workout with barely a whinny. Having never been broken, he prefers to break records. 2,000+ lb bench reps, free-roam weights and a hundred inverted horn squats every day before grains. Sugar treat? Ha! Cubes are for colts.

With a silky mane and perfect teeth, the Galeicorn is the most Instagram-famous of the unicorn world. Her legendary beauty is most often on display in photo shoots across mountain ranges and off the rugged Pacific Coast. While she can tame the winds with her magic, her hair is a little less submissive. Nine times out of ten, the photos end up looking something like this.

What the Corgicorn lacks in height, it makes up for in personality. This petite pony is found in ancient forests and glades. If you come across a gleaming sword set in a stone, odds are it'll be guarded by this furrocious guardian demanding treats for passage. It has been known to serve as a steed for the fairy kingdoms, giving rise to its colloquial name, Horse Bus.

Some people believe the Schrödicörn exists. Some don't. They're both right. And wrong.

The first nocturnal unicorn on the list, Thrashicorn lives so deep in mosh pits that no light can reach her. Powered by face-melting rock that would make your deaf grandma go even deafer, she bucks societal norms and isn't afraid to let her inner mustang run free. Although her number one band is Equineox, she also attends every Powerhööf and Caine's Mane concert too.

While not existing in a traditional way, the quantum nature of the Rezzicorn has been the subject of intense debate amongst horse-loving nerds. The magic of manipulating qubits allows it to crunch datasets that are staggering to behold. Considered the most powerful “computer” in the world, it’s a pretty cushy superposition to be in.

The Puddlecorn always gets his recommended eight glasses of water a day. While he can navigate oceans, rivers and bathtubs with ease, dry land is more difficult than a world-record breaking butterfly stroke... against the current... in quicksand. Since his last party invite ended with soaking pergo, he's developed a bit of a 'wet blanket' personality.

Known to be meticulously orderly, the Cornicorn lives in perfect rows. Every autumn, in a most odd ritual, the herd is known to form a maze for the enjoyment of very young or very intoxicated humans. Their magic, as is self-evident, is omniscience. Unfortunately, due to the ridiculous nature of its face ornamentation, no one takes their foresight seriously and that's how we end up with things like Crystal Pepsi and the Zune.

The Scribblecorn, much like DMV workers, live by a a saying, “Existence is pain.”

The Goudacorn is a rare specimen made entirely of an extremely delicious, unidentifiable type of cheese. Often pursued by those who think plain crackers are an abomination, his distinct scent makes it impossible to hide (especially if he's been sitting in the sun). Because his magic is self-regenerative, these nibblers are more annoying than anything. He makes an appetizing pair with his best friends, the Vinocorns. You can quit with the cheesy jokes, he's heard them all.

The Arcticorn often makes her intentions crystal clear but can sometimes feel dismissive, to the point of giving one the cold shoulder. She is a decorative staple at fancy winter dinner parties, although her attempts at fame and envy are a bit transparent. While very cool to her friends, they know that she can turn downright frigid if anyone dares touch the thermostat. Put on a sweater, she's not heating the neighborhood!

Lasers, glow bands, and fast cars, oh my! The Synthicorn, existing within the throbbing electronic beats of 80's sci-fi and horror inspired synth tracks, always moves with rhythm. She is best viewed at night; using her nostalgia magic to envelop your ears in pulse pounding power!

The Balloonicorn has few natural predators besides trees and the occasional power-line. Floating above it all, he has plenty of time to ponder the meaning of life: "How did it come to this? Why did that child release my string? Can horses fart? Hooboy, I hope I'm not close to an open flame when that happens.”

A living fractal, the Metacorn is one of the most fascinating and difficult unicorns to define. Technically named z=z^K+c (where c = number of horns, K= lollipops, and z = general horsitude ), it's impossible to tell where it begins, where it ends, when the psychedelics kicked in, and what the color of my shirt smells like.

Coming in at a perfect 5/10, the Plainicorn’s hobbies include: counting his blinks, organizing his artisanal sock drawer, writing complaint letters about crunchy taco shells being too loud (but never sending them), and holding an unwavering belief that mayonnaise is just a tad too spicy. His powers are rarely used, as that would make people notice him.

With a long neck and top-notch health insurance, the Giraffeicorn is a chiropractor’s dream. Don't bother inviting her to your birthday party. Even if she could fit through the front door, she'd be terrible at limbo. Also, she can't read. You wasted an invitation.

The Arabesquicorn seems to defy the laws of physics and gravity, executing some of the most beautiful and graceful dance steps known to horsedom. She is single-minded in her strides toward elegance and beauty-- which can be a bit distracting when she pirouettes into a display of oranges in the store. We're just tryinga buy our groceries, lady.

Caberneigh and Chardonneigh are a power couple in the horse world. These celebrity Vinocorns are known for their outlandish parties, animated stories and confident dance moves. Though they've been known to be a headache at times, friends rarely stay mad at such an uncorked duo.

Too young to partake in her parents' bacchanalian fêtes, Roséneigh is training to be a world class host. She often throws elaborate tea parties with artisanal sugar-cube tasting (where her great aunt Vodkacorn will try to sell you ugly glass bracelets, but you're under no pressure to buy them... go AWAY Phyllis, you're embarrassing me in front of the other foals).

Heliocorn and Lunacorn are arguably the most important unicorns in their entire friend group. Their top five magical powers include being beautiful, being fit, being super-low body fat, and being better (than you, mainly). They also can't count. These two are frequently spotted with their frenemy, Galeicorn (friend when she stands on their rugged, wind-swept side, enemy when she's on their 'never photograph me from this angle' side). Their workout routine is stringent: 8 Instagram posts, and at least 5 minutes of vlog. EVEN ON UGLY DAYS.

Subscribe to their YouTube channel and hit that notification bell because next week, they're bringing ombre fetlocks into year 2049! Seriously. They can't count.

Ah, ah, ah! 'Tis I, the Vampiricorn; terror of the night, nightmare of the villagers, adversary of the Red Cross blood drive. Be careful with those party invites, I am the guest who will never leave. Just one more episode of Breaking Bad and then I'll go, I promise... Oh. Oh no. You didn't tell me you invited Garlicorn. Stay back! We are NOT friends, Garl!

Because there’s no way we couldn’t have a mermaid unicorn in this collection. I mean c’mon.

Resplendent in her glittering coat, holo-shimmer wings, and linear-holographic hair and hooves, Holocorn can cause severe eye damage if stared at while in direct sun. Technically an alicorn, she's all that and then some corn. Her feathers are coveted as the rare ingredient in indie nail polishes (and hunted by Lisa Frank nearly to extinction). Much like the Vampiricorn, once she's in your house, she'll never leave... but that's only because spilled glitter is permanent.